LIVE!
by Rb
Summary: An angst-ridden monologue from both Ken's and Daisuke's points of view. No shounen ai warning (suprised?) or anything other than pure angstiness. Yay/nay is up to you. GW instrumentals are good. ^_^
1. ~Ken~ From the Cockpit of My Suicide Mis...

LIVE!

Staying up late at night + pretty Gundam Wing Instrumentals = Rb's weird POV fics. ^_^;;

All right, I blame this fic on Napster's easy availibility to being able to download music. ^_- I was on a Card Captor Sakura kick, then I discovered that Gundam Wing had awesome instrumentals and I started with those. 

The main inspiration for this half of the fic was the piece titled 'From the Cockpit of a Suicide Mission.' It's a strangely pretty, slow piece, and got me to thinking about the only actively suicidal (well...technically...) Chosen Child, Ichijouji Ken, Resident Angst-Ridden Bishounen of Digimon Adventures Zero-Two!

It's set in episode 26, the episode where XV-mon and Stingmon first jogress evolve into Paildramon. I haven't seen that episode for ages, so please forgive me if I left out something important. I don't own Daisuke or Ken, to my dismay -- but I don't want to join the queue of crazed fangirls, so I'm just borrowing them for now. ^_^

**LIVE!  
~Ken~ From the Cockpit of My Suicide Mission  
by Rb**

I think I'm going to die soon.  
  
No, scratch that. I *know* I'm going to die soon. It's all a matter of the timing. Ever since I "came back" to myself, I've had the weirdest sensation of being unbalanced in some strange, subtle way. Like I'm drifting through a tank full of water. I haven't got any air left.  
  
I know I'm going to die. And the thought doesn't really disturb me. Maybe then I can be with my brother. I can ask him, were you watching out for me? What happened? Why couldn't I be like you? Why, whenever I strived so hard, did I fail so miserably?  
  
I can feel my heartbeat. It pounds slowly, steadily, easily. I wonder what'll happen if it *stops*, just like that. Will I still be alive for a short amount of time, feeling the emptiness where my heartbeat was?  
  
Maybe it'll be familiar. I've lived with my heart being totally empty for so long. Maybe if my heart stops, I won't even notice. Maybe for me, the heart isn't necessary.   
  
Every hour, every minute, every second that I'm still alive, it's a waste. I'm just going through the motions. My will to survive has abandoned me. I've fallen off my winged Pegasus, the one I tried to fly to my dreams, and now the only place to go is down.   
  
I can't undo what I've already done, even though I've tried. Each and every night spent in the digital world knocking down the Dark Towers, my legacy, only serves to remind me of how horrible I was. I can't bear the burden of guilt laid upon me. Not even Wormmon can stop it.  
  
And I feel horrible, because if I die, then so will Wormmon -- but maybe Wormmon will be reborn again, and maybe he'll partner another little boy who is really, truly kind. I'm not too worried. My parents...I barely know them, and while I feel for them, I can't feel that much.   
  
Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe. The pain keeps washing over me like a cold, cruel wind, cutting straight to my heart, over and over again, never giving me respite. Although I cry out in the recesses of my mind to please, please, please let me go, I keep hearing my own voice -- so throaty, so different -- laughing wildly. Cruelly.   
  
I don't want to ever inflict that side of me on anyone else. Ever. Again. But it may be too late...I can't erase the scars I've already carved into the flesh of countless digimon...or the other Chosen...  
  
I don't see why Motomiya-kun keeps calling and e-mailing me. I've hurt him. Isn't that reason enough to avoid me? I don't see why he insists on trying to join his group. Is he trying to remind me of how pure their group is? I'm not like them. I'm nothing. I'm nothing any more. I'm useless.  
  
I wish he'd stop.   
  
I wish he'd never started.  
  
Every call, every time he visits, every time I see those warm brown eyes so hopeful...every time I reject him...another thorn in my side. But...he's something. I'm nothing. I can't be with them. I'm not like them. I don't want to be like them, those who have a purpose, a destiny, something to keep them alive.  
  
I want to die.  
  
I'm at a weirdly peaceful level now, calm and collected. To the outside world, it may seem like I'm angry, but it's just a facade, just anything to hide my inner peace. I can feel my death approaching. I know it'll come to me. I know I can embrace it, if I want.  
  
My digimon partner, Wormmon -- now in Stingmon form -- is beside me. I feel a flash of momentary regret. I don't want Stingmon to be near me when I die. I might be in physical pain. He might get upset. I...I don't want him to be hurt, as well...  
  
I'm displeased at seeing the other Chosen ready to fight. This is my battle. This is the battle I will fight. If I die -- when I die -- it's because of my choice.   
  
Don't stop me! Don't stop me, Motomiya-kun! This is my battle! This is what I was destined to do! You're different than I am, you're destined to live -- believe me, I'm okay with this.  
  
This is what I have to do. This is what I will do, to erase myself and the memory of my crueller self.  
  
You're different than I am. You're still innocent. And I don't want to see you hurt. Leave me. Let me do what I must do. Dying is not hard. I should have died long ago -- life just cursed me by sticking with me. Until now.  
  
I'm not afraid. Let me go!  
  
Your words hold no meaning, Motomiya-kun. They're tainted by your innocence. You don't understand me, Motomiya-kun!   
  
Let me...  
  
Let...  
  
**"LIVE!"**   
  
An impassioned shout, and now my heart's pounding. No, not just my heart -- I can feel his heart beating, at the same time as mine...  
  
Two hearts synchronized...  
  
...beating as one...  
  
...what is this feeling, deep inside of me?  
  
Is it life?  
  
And as the power leaps from him, from me, and to our digimon, who start to grow together -- for a moment, feeling his heart beat with mine -- I feel truly alive, the inner peace I'd tried to keep to sustain me shattered for good, and I don't regret it.   
  
So this is how it feels, to ride Pegasus, to fly and not fall. It's...warm, and it melts the coldness that has pierced to my bones.  
  
It's also scary, but it's a kind of scariness that I could get used to.  
  
So this is my rescue, from the cockpit of my suicide mission.


	2. ~Daisuke~ Who Would Burn His Life Away

LIVE!

I can't remember how Daisuke refers to Ken when they first meet -- probably by Ichijouji-san, but I'm not sure, and 'Ichijouji' fits better, so there you go. 

This one was inspired by the instrumental titled 'Who Burns Away Their Life', but that's an awkward sentence, so I tweaked it slightly. ^_^

Some angstiness. Some borderline friendship/implied stuff, but really, there isn't anything beyond friendship. These fics really didn't take too long to write. (I'm working on a much longer fic. This was a break. Really.) 

I don't own Daisuke...but he's too fun to abuse...I *really* must write a happy fic about him someday. Some characters (like Hikari and Ken) were made for angst-y fics and it's hard to write happy fics about them. Some, like Daisuke, were *not* meant for angst fics, and I feel bad...someday I'll write him some fluff. ^_^

I think I abuse asteriks in this part. ^_^;;;;

**LIVE!  
~Daisuke~ Who Would Burn His Life Away.  
by Rb**

I wonder why Ichijouji doesn't believe in himself.   
  
I believe in him. I believe in him a lot, maybe too much. Can you believe in someone too much? If you can, it's what I feel for him -- but no, I don't think you can.   
  
As long as your belief is well-founded and not just a pipedream, you *can't* believe in someone too much. And I don't *think* that my belief in Ichijouji is just a delusion in my head, because I can feel his warmth arching out in some part of...my heart, I guess.  
  
C'mon, Ichijouji. We need you here. We can't fight without you. I know you think I'm just some little pest, some annoying twerp (probably your opinion hasn't changed since you were the Kaizer), but right now I *am* the leader of us Chosen, and you're a Chosen, so listen to me because of that if nothing else.  
  
I never asked to be the leader, Taichi-sempai just gave me his goggles and said I was the leader. It's not the same as being nominated the leader or elected the leader -- hardly anyone pays attention to me, except to see when I'm next gonna screw up. Ichijouji seems -- is -- different though, I'm sure he'd work with me, listen to me...  
  
If only he *would*. If only I didn't feel so much like an annoyance to him, if only he didn't feel so threatened by me and the others, if only I could be his *friend* -- I know we could win this fight. I know that his heart would heal that much faster. After all, he's fighting on the side of love and justice here, what better way is there to heal from doing wrong?  
  
And we need his strength. Forget Iori's old-mannish mutterings, we definitely need more help. With Ichijouji Ken on our side -- has everyone else forgetten that he's an absolute *genius*? That he's *strong*? There'd be no doubt that we could win, if only he'd be with us!  
  
It's not like he has a choice, right? Being a Chosen Child is...is like destiny or something. He's gotta come to our side eventually. He's gotta fight with us.   
  
He's *gotta*.  
  
Here he is, but he seems so wrong, his eyes blazing with inner, righteous zeal, looking so upset. I'm glad to see him, and I don't bother hiding my pleasure, but...there's something wrong and *dangerous* -- Kaizer-ish -- about him.  
  
He's going out on a suicide mission. I can tell that almost instantly. He's going to go out with a blaze of glory right here, right now -- dying not for what he feels is right, but for what he feels is necessary.  
  
I'd like to slap him. Is he incredibly stupid? So what if he's made mistakes in the past -- together with us, he can fix them! And Wormmon -- in Stingmon form -- is no better than his partner! Why won't they see that they're *needed* -- not as corpses, but as living, breathing helpers!  
  
Ichijouji, get it through your thick skull -- we need you. We need your crest, we need your power -- but most of all, we're your friends, we need you, the person, Ichijouji Ken!  
  
Ichijouji, don't do this to yourself! Ken, don't be one of those who burn away their lives! Your life is worth too much -- to me, to the others, to your family and all those who care about you -- to do this!  
  
**"LIVE!"**  
  
I almost don't hear my own passionate shout. I can feel my heartbeat thrumming in my ears. No, not just my heartbeat, but Ken's as well.   
  
I'm scared but I'm not scared at the same time, almost shaky but very...fulfilled. Like I'm floating, suspended in mid-air, underwater, but with eyes and heart clear. Content. Peaceful.  
  
This is my purpose, maybe. For me to help Ichi -- no, Ken -- Ken in any way I can. And you know what? I don't really mind. If it means helping Ken, I'll do anything. I can feel his kindness, even if no one else can -- I will make sure that the others can feel it someday.  
  
The power leaps from me, from him, and towards our digimon, who start to glow. I feel alive, filled with energy to the tips of my toes, enthusiastic and excited and ready to do anything I can.   
  
Like I'm riding on a flying horse, soaring above everything else. A weird feeling, but pleasing at the same time.  
  
I could get used to this.  
  
So this is my rescue, of a boy who would burn his life away.


End file.
